Imagine this conversation between a patient, Mrs. Smith, and her MD, Dr. House.
Mrs. Smith: "Doctor House, I have bad back pain, it has bothered me for years. Please help."
Dr. House, MD: "No problem. Looks like you pulled a muscle." (actually, kind of sounds like a bulging or herniating disc to me... but I don't have the time to try and explain that to her.) "I know what you need. Take Darvocet. It works amazingly well."(...at covering up your pain so that you don't worry about what is really going on inside your body...)
Mrs Smith: "Is it safe?"
Dr. House: "Perfectly safe, don't you worry a bit!" (I will do periodic blood tests to see if you are having heart reactions and to see if it is sufficiently killing your liver to warrant me taking the drug away from you. I will also watch how many you take because since it is an opiate, it is very addictive...after all, I do care about my patients... I'm sure glad that I don't have to take it... I almost forgot... I have my chiropractic appointment later today! Dr... I mean Mr... Jones sure has helped my lower back pain!)
Mrs. Smith: "You are so kind, and so smart Dr. House! Do you have anything that I could take for my headaches?"
Dr. House: "Of course! There is this new little blue pill that is amazing." (at least the cute, young drug rep in the short tight skirt told me that it was a miracle...)
Patient: "Is it safe?"
Dr. House: "Absolutely, the FDA recently approved it!" (...after two double blind studies... or was it one study where they found that it might cause blindness... oh I don' remember...)
Patient: "Dr. House, you are so smart, and so current! I don't know what I would do without you!"
Dr. House: "Thank you, thank you! Please pay your $50 co-pay on the way out.... and let me know if you would like to take any more chemicals... I mean medications... for your depression, and make sure that you continue to take your high blood pressure medications! (poor girl just might die from an aneurysm. She Should loose weight and stop smoking, but I don't have the time... and she is probably too lazy to do anything about it anyway...). "Oh, and one more thing... I am going to contact my good friend, Dr. Smith, the neurosurgeon to see what can be done about that nagging sciatica ( Dr. Smith ALWAYS gives me the nicest Christmas basket full of goodies. I sure like him. Its a shame what happened to my other patient on his operating table two years ago... what was his name again?)
Mrs. Smith: "Oh, I almost forgot. Dr. House, little Jimmy is now in second grade, and his teacher says that he is driving her crazy.... claims that he has the classic symptoms of ADHD..."
Dr. House: "Say no more! I know what he needs. Make sure that you set up an appointment for Jimmy at the front desk. We should see him ASAP for that ADHD." (A couple of weeks on my miracle pills and little Jimmy will be quietly sitting in the corner in no time!)
Mrs. Smith: (to the receptionist...) "I just love Dr. House. He is so thorough, and he really cares about his patients. Can you get Jimmy in later this week?"
I know, there is a lot of sarcasm in this little dialogue, but satire is only funny if there is an element of truth.
Oh, by the way, did I tell you that the FDA, just last week, recommended that Darvocet be removed from the marketplace? "The drug's effectiveness in reducing pain is no longer enough to outweigh the drug's serious potential heart risks," the FDA said in a statement released Friday.
Don't worry though, it is perfectly safe, really. It has been used by thousands of patients since it was introduced in 1956...
Keith Biggs, DC
http://www.eastmesachiropractor.com
http://www.biggschiropractic.blogspot.com
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